Thoughts

Everything felt like it was caving in,
Like all the choices i had made up to this
point, although in good faith, were wrong.
It seemed as though the big thing i felt
coming had come … and went, somehow
without me noticing.
I sat, choking on my thoughts.
Was this the path?
The direction?
Is this where i’m supposed to be?
Slowly i could see the blackened clouds
move, an amber ray shining through like
worried parents pushing apart the crowd at
the scene of an accident to make sure i was
okay.
and i am … okay … at least for now.

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No wonder it’s so hard to let go,
It’s never easy to forget about your reflection
when you are wearing a mask

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If you could see your future,
as clear as you think you remember your past,
would you still make the same choices?

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I’ll Forever be in love with your ability to
be sad at happy things.

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I may be blind to tomorrow,
but i will never forget what got me
through today.

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You think it’s about how they make
you feel
but really …
it’s about how they make you feel
about yourself.

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pain is patina for the soul.

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I knew I needed to heal, that much was a given. What i didn’t expect was to fall in love with
myself … and i just now realized, they’re the same thing.

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Thanks for the hostage, but I’m more interested in winning the war.

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We are limited only our blindness to
how unlimited we can be.

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you are no more for this world,
cold fingers blue.
my essence weeps at your travels.
you only get one, i say to myself.
my eyes leak because
you are my sunshine
and you are no more.

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If i had the energy, i would start a riot.
instead I’ll just hurt myself looking into
your eyes.

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Nails and tar can’t hold forever in these
elements,
and i’ve since moved on from that place.
I guess, for a moment,
i had forgotten it was ever there at all.

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IN the moment the floodgates break,
Be still.
know that you can move mountains,
you’ve just never had to before.

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Hummingbirds in my head, the salt lands on my tongue like a bedsheet.

I’ve never felt more alive and more like a part of me is gone.

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If we were way back when, you would find her the rivers, gasping at the sound of the water roaring and how lush and green the trees are.

On her way to find herself

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It’s better to be careful.

Obey the crosswalk

It’s better to fear the unknown, something primal in me tells me so.

Something primal in my atoms thrusts them to a cacophony that translates as the sound of my heartbeat.

It’s convinced it’s trying to help…

Many persons before me did a lot of work to take the spear out of my hand.

In this land there is seldom a lion chasing me,

Something I dont think the primal in me knows yet 

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Letting little nothings drag you down.

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painting little pictures of who we want to be
where everyone’s a scholar
with all their hearts sewn on their sleeves.

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I think we find ourselves in what we’ve
lost.
every sick and bitter word we’ve said,
or worse, thought.
There’s a realization in those moments,
of the person we could become with just
the right amount of pain and pressure.
and if you’re smart,
it’s in those moments that you learn
who you never want to be.

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Fill my head with poison,
one drop at a time.
It’s like the ocean’s killing me
kissing me, goodbye.

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you could melt a stone like butter
with the hellfire in her heart.

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Hanging onto Hope

The fraying cords that scar the palms

we’re all dragging something
thinking it should come along.
Even with the bruises, tattered clothes
and healing hands,
i stumble leaning forward
dragging boulders through the sand.

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It’s All so incredibly loud.
like water gushing over the bluff, endlessly into the abyss.
sometimes i get sick of having to love the chaos

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you know those moments you lose faith?
As if all the momentum
has been a boulder on a hill
and not until you realize it’s weight
does it become dangerous.
falling back onto you
like everything you’ve pushed for
up to this point was for nothing.
the doubling down
the sweat, the blood, the tears
the percussive blasts of ambition
suddenly working against you
maybe acceptance is the key
move out of the way and drop the weight
who cares where the hill goes anyway?
An ultimatum
everything in vein or the blood in mine.

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I think faith is
a combination of the
courage to allow the
outcome to be as it is
and the wisdom to know
you will be okay
regardless.

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I want to burn like black, the sky.

What has it given me but loss

Sucking souls up whenever it feels like it.

And the ground does me no favors either.

Holding still when my world is crumbling.

I feel like an open wound that can’t bleed

A chamber of pressure where my heart used to be

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Everyone who raised me is dead.

I feel like I wasted too much time because my mother will never

meet her grandkids.

My kids will never meet their great grandmother.

I feel like I didn’t say I love you enough.

I didn’t visit enough.

I just didn’t do ENOUGH.

I was always so selfish, focusing on myself and my own life.

I know they would say otherwise, but I feel like they would just be “Being Nice”

I let them down in a way. 
because as far as Ive come, it wasn’t far enough in the right direction.

and now it will never be.

Death is so permanent, My grandmother, Mother and grandfather are gone.

No more going on trips, playing hotwheels with bump, no more crazy parties or showing my mother my art. No more sage advice from my grandmother

None of that exsists anymore, and I’m terrified I didn’t soak in enough,

While I had the chance. 

Maybe that’s the lesson here, Don’t take things for granted.

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at times i wonder if i could be inspired
something other than pain
What a harebrained idea.
I’ve always learned the hard way.
See, I’ve never been blind to life’s
wonders. I often think i might see them
more clearly than others but nothing
as deep and as tragic like that of the
mental tar and it’s magic
like seeing a void in a mirror staring
back at you. Convincing yourself you
will never be that.
A walking contradiction.

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perhaps the bones inside my skin
have more wisdom, because the flesh that
surrounds them seems so tired.
Maybe it’s their secret to keep
because my feet drag in these moments
now and i dont know the way anymore.
i think … the weight,
It helps me.
it gives purpose to the frame underneath.

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I guess i had to realize how lost i had
been in order to remember my fire.
If i could make it through all of that,
there is nothing stopping me.

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i find myself in crevices
stuck there …
thinking about you.
There’s living sheets that tangle me
made from sweet nothings you whisper
close.
I’m always somewhat terrified of being
there.
but warmth is your forte,
as cold as i can be.
i find myself in crevices,
wrapped up in the sheets.

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I want it all, just like everyone
to burn like fire
loud as can be
to face the world knowing i have it
backing me
sometimes i lie to myself and say
that less is better for the sake of
settling and sometimes
… i don’t

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steps in silence
to prevent the snakes that slither
echoes of concern
always seem electric
the pressure pushing
on my eardrums.
there’s been wishes spent away,
for hours of the day …
Hoping for a way to stop the noise.
a detuned television set.
it’s not white …
or black.
it’s just crashing into me
no matter pout or poise.

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please don’t tell me sweet things
and then …

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it’s hard to show, and rough the edges of what i hold so close.
i forget the things that make me smile.
a thousand flies buzz around in my head when you look at me.
and it’s hard to show
… my naked soul
because you don’t owe me a thing

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Wind beat hands above silky blue water, reaching for something that isn’t there. Body fully saturated with half the mind to sink.

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Bated Breath, Finger on the pulse of forgetfulness.

Wondering when the floodgates of the future will free me from my shackles of self administered payload.

Time, Like a freight train, sears my sensibilities.

why does everything move fast but this?

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grasping through muck
sunken, under blackness.
under sludge.
reaching for relief,
as if it owes me one last favor.
it’s like nothing happened.
the world keeps spinning,
the sun, shining
the rain, falling.
Im furious with its innate audacity
to continue.
while im just barely
grasping through the muck

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pupils dilate their size
inside rose-colored glasses
we tend to see the best
instead of all the streched elastic
fibers of their being
barely clinging to their mask
it’s less your fault to see the best
than let them break your glasses

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i’ve always been on the back half of things.
always grasping at dreams as they float away.
there was something younger me was missing though,
perseverance.

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I’ve never been wronged like that
before
so pardon me while i take the time to
figure out why i wasn’t worth some
common decency.
Pardon my soul as it weeps about the
moon, starved of affection.
pardon my sensitivity,
my direction-less fury
and my temperament carved from stone
and last but certainly not least,
pardon my way of loving myself
because i’d rather be a mess
than make one.

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wasted on the grey, i’m all poured out like paint.

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I remember when i felt free, When i felt responsible for my happiness.
Now it’s fleeting.
Escaping under door frames and through window cracks like a gas.

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we walk through destruction to find ourselves on the other side of hope.

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But Love always clung to her heart, like
the walls of an apartment the last tenant
swore they never smoked in

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Silence and dust tell stories too subtle for words.

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As if being in darkness wasn’t enough,
we must also brave it.

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We peel like layers, never knowing the next flavor of ourselves.
I admire some people’s ability to jump head-first into the rolling tides of their lives,
Unafraid of stumble and happenstance.

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Song and dance.
A spear in the side of loneliness.
Burning hope, burning me.
And the music plays out into
forever.

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It’s a beautiful and terrifying thing to realize that you are the only thing holding you back.

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Your past doesn’t know who you are anymore.

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We meet a new version of ourselves everyday.

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I will carry, through the land,
that which serves me.
For everything else Is dead weight.

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